Story on good listener

Think of the last time you truly felt heard. Where your thoughts and feelings arent skimmed over or ignored. The act of speaking actually makes you feel lighter. You dont feel judged. You feel empowered.

Not everyone lets you feel that way. Sometimes listening seems to be a special skill. Reserved only for a select few.

What is it then, that makes someone a good listener?

Dont Give Advice Unless Its Asked For

Advice is usually offered with the best intentions. But when someone is telling their story or venting, they arent necessarily looking for answers. More specifically, they arent necessarily looking for your answers. Not everyone is the same and not every problem needs the same solution.

My biggest pet peeve is when I share a life update or an idea with someone and they start poking holes in it. Did you think about this? Did you think about that? Yes I did. And I dont want to defend my choices to you. Interjecting your own ideas into mine does not make you a good listener.

Its obviously different when someone asks for advice. Sharing a problem you need advice on is often different from venting. Venting is just a way of expressing frustration. But when we want help solving a problem, we usually ask.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Its helpful as a listener to ask the right questions. You dont want to grill them but open-ended questions show that youre engaged and want to know more.

It allows you to interact and make it a conversation without pressing too hard or demanding information. It makes the other person feel more comfortable talking to you without feeling like a burden.

Dont Turn the Table Back to You

When youre listening to someone else, its important not to bring the attention back to yourself. Bringing up your own personal experiences can add value to the conversation, especially when youre trying to relate. But it isnt helpful when it turns into the other person listening to you vent about your problems.

That isnt to say you cant talk about your problems. It can just come across as rude or dismissive if they havent finished telling their story. When someone brings up their problems, it shouldnt be an opportunity for you to make it about yourself.

Body Language

This goes both ways. You want to be able to read body language and also use your own body language to communicate. You can sometimes pick up on when someone wants to talk more about a topic or when its something they want to keep private. This is helpful when you ask questions or need to decide to inquire more.

Its also important that as a listener, your body language is open. Making eye contact, not crossing your legs, and appearing attentive are all crucial actions. People are less likely to open up to someone that seems closed off.

Have Empathy

This is the most important, in listening and in life. Being able to put yourself in the other persons shoes and have an understanding of what theyre going through is a valuable skill. It puts the other person at ease and makes them feel comfortable talking to you.

Empathy helps you avoid feeling pity. Pity can take you two steps backwards as a listener. No one wants to feel like a charity case talking about their problems.

Being a good listener makes you a better friend and family member. Be the kind of listener you would want to talk to. Someone supportive and understanding without being condescending. The more we try to listen and understand others, the more we understand the world we live in. Have empathy, listen, and be kind.